The capacity to accept

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The last 10 days have been stressful and a clear test of patience. 

I'm not over 10 days late on getting my stitch. I was originally scheduled to be admitted over the weekend of May 28th. I then got bumped because the ante-partum unit was overflowing and there was no bed for me.

On Friday June 5th I got the call to head to the hospital only to be admitted and then discharged because an emergency came in and needed my bed.

Now, I wait.

I keep reminding myself to trust my doctor. To trust the system. To trust that my team is doing everything they can to help keep this pregnancy safe and that ultimately I'll get the stitch before the danger of pre-term labour really sets in.

But, for today, I continue to wait and pray that my cervix and 13 weeks 3 days continues to support this growing life inside of me.

Living with what is

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 It's been a quiet weekend. I surrounded myself with people who were comfortable with what is and layed low. We're still waiting for the call from my doctor asking us to head to the hospital and have a stitch placed that will hopefully save this baby from being born too early.

The majority of friends and family simply don't understand. There seems to be this overwhelming belief that the cerclage is somehow guaranteed to bring us a full term baby. Although the statistics are in our favor we're both very much aware that cerclages although helpful in helping women with cervical incompetency are not a cure all fool proof treatment. We know that we're still at risk and at this point we need to be surrounded by people who are conscious of how scary this pregnancy is and understand that despite this "treatment" we wont be safe until this little one is alive and in our arms.

So, we wait - wait for the call to place a small stitch that will hopefully prevent my cervix from opening too early. We're in the best hands and know that our doctor is our number one advocate fighting for the best outcome with us.  We're counting down the days, minutes and hours until we know we've done everything we possibly can to give this tiny baby the chance that our girls never got.

12 weeks

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 6.1 cm of hope growing in my uterus

How many weeks are you? What fruit? 

12 weeks. Large plum.

How is PGAL brain treating you?

It's been a pretty quiet week PGAL wise. Surprisingly, I was able to hold it together for the NT scan on Thursday which felt great. It was the first appointment thus far that I hadn't worked myself up to the point of a panic attack. Now that we're heading into the 2nd trimester I feel the anxiety start to amplify again. My issues are related to cervical incompetency and pre-term labor and so I feel like now is the time where I need to be extra vigilant. PGAL worry is never ending I guess  and so I keep reminding myself that we need to take this pregnancy one day at a time.

Current PGAL fears? 

We had an excellent NT scan on Thursday. Baby is measuring in the 95th percentile and the nuchal fold measurement was excellent. Now, my fears have transformed into worries about the cerclage placement. We're at home waiting for the call to head to the hospital to be admitted. On Thursday, Dr. B said I'd have my stitch placed before Monday June 1st. Today is the 30th so I'm on pins and needles waiting for the call. 

PGAL goals this week?

To get a cerclage and to have a complication free stitch placement.

Appointments this week? 

I'm being hospitalized for 3 days to place the stitch.

Being Prepared

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This past weekend was spent bed rest proofing the house. It might sound silly but I feel an enormous amount of control over my situation knowing that we're trying to make my environment as comfortable and efficient as possible.

Early on, we discussed the possibility of preparing an outside space where I could rest and enjoy the outdoors. The idea of cooping myself up indoors for 6 months made me incredibly nervous so we set out on a mission to find patio furniture to accommodate my needs. I was shocked to see how pricey the sofa type furniture cost so we decided that we'd opt for a patio lounger instead because it seemed to offer the comfort I needed at a more affordable price.

The lounger arrived last Friday and in no time S had it assembled and ready to go.

Since then, we've also added a privacy screen to help combat the openness of the back patio and provide me with a little privacy from the neighbours.

Other things we've got going:

  • A new mattress is arriving tomorrow. 
  • I purchased some comfortable clothes to get me through the next 2 or 3 months of bed rest. They are not maternity clothes but they are stretchy maxi skirts and such. I think it'll be important to feel my best while I'm resting so I treated myself to some clothing that looks nice but is also very comfortable.
  • I've been collecting and preparing various activities to occupy my time on bed rest. 

Colouring pages. Adult colouring pages to be exact. I'm sifting through hundreds of free ones on pinterest and via google to accumulate a set that I'll colour during my time resting. The plan is to somehow use them to decorate this little ones nursery.

Next up is moving some clothing and setting up my bedroom. The days are ticking down and I've got very little time left before surgery - I'll probably get on that today or tomorrow.

Is this real life? I seriously never believed I'd ever get the opportunity to be here again. I can't wrap my head around any of it.


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Thinking about my girls today and wondering what would have been.

Tunnel Vision

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I've somehow managed to avoid real life these last 8 weeks. The timing of this pregnancy came at the very tail end of my 3 month internship which meant that I had very little time to be pregnant and working at the same time. Before I knew it, I was withdrawing from my remaining graduate courses in anticipation of bed rest which further isolated me from the only world I've known for the last 2 years.

Without many academic or professional responsibilities, I find myself fixated on this pregnancy. Day after day I dwell on the gestation of this little one and literally watch the clock reset itself as I make my way closer and closer to the second trimester.

Pregnancy tunnel vision maybe?

I'm stuck in this pregnancy bubble all by myself and my anxiety has been growing exponentially.

Yesterday was a particularly bad day. I spent the majority of the day feeling like I couldn't catch my breath. I think ahead to the next week and I get so overwhelmed by how much more my life is going to change.

. in 6 days we'll have our NT scan.
. in 7 days I'll be hospitalized to get a cerclage that will hopefully prevent pre-term labor.
. in 11 days I'll return home to bed and rely completely on my husband and mother to take care of me.

Loss moms in the community I frequent have offered so many wonderful bed rest suggestions. I sit there and read their recommendations and I find myself getting even more overwhelmed. How many books can one person read? How much Netflix can this momma watch? How many activities can I actually do while laying flat?

Then, the sensible part of me acknowledges that this too shall pass; bed rest is not forever and that ultimately this is only a very temporary part of my life. Six months is truly not a significant part of my life if it means getting our rainbow here safely.

Anticipation is by far the worst feeling. Fearing the unknown and anticipating the worst is one of my biggest weaknesses. I'm trying desperately to take things as they come but some days I'm simply suffocated by our journey.

11 weeks

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I've seen a bunch of bloggers on the interwebz do weekly pregnancy check-ins.

If I remember correctly, the update usually included stuff like rings on or off and food cravings and whatnot. I really want to document everything but I just don't feel comfortable updating about those things because I honestly don't feel like that's all that important.So, I've borrowed and modified a pregnant after loss check-in that I take part in on a message board I frequent.

How many weeks are you? What fruit? 
11 weeks. According to babycenter this little one is the size of a fig this week while the bump says a lime. A little googling tells me that baby is about 2inches long and weighs about 0.3 oz.  

How is PGAL brain treating you?
Both good and bad.

The good - I'm so grateful for my home doppler. I'm ashamed to admit this but I check in on our little one at least once a day. It has become part of my daily routine and there's so much comfort and peace that comes from hearing that beautiful galloping sound.

The bad - S and I continue to prepare for bed rest. At first it was really half-hearted stuff like browsing for loungers online and researching bed rest pillows. Just this morning while laying in bed after taking my progesterone I calculated the number of days left until I start bed rest and I lost my breath when I realized it's only about 8 days. We've got so much to do and it seems like there's so little time left. I'm also incredibly anxious about the experience and find myself terrified that I can't handle it. S has been amazingly supportive though and hearing him remind me that we'll work through this together does help some.  

Current PGAL fears?
A few - in no particular order.

  •  I'm terrified my cervix will be too short to place the stitch next week.
  • I'm anxious that I wont be able to handle the bed rest without losing my sanity.
  • I'm terrified about approaching the 20 week mark and not knowing whether my cervix is stable or not.
PGAL goals this week?
  • I'd like to start reducing the frequency of my doppler use. It's become a security blanket but I'd like to get to the point where I can trust that everything is okay without poking around for a heartbeat.
Appointments this week? 

None. NT scan and MFM next week. Cerclage in the few days following.