The capacity to accept

 

The last 10 days have been stressful and a clear test of patience. 

I'm not over 10 days late on getting my stitch. I was originally scheduled to be admitted over the weekend of May 28th. I then got bumped because the ante-partum unit was overflowing and there was no bed for me.

On Friday June 5th I got the call to head to the hospital only to be admitted and then discharged because an emergency came in and needed my bed.

Now, I wait.

I keep reminding myself to trust my doctor. To trust the system. To trust that my team is doing everything they can to help keep this pregnancy safe and that ultimately I'll get the stitch before the danger of pre-term labour really sets in.

But, for today, I continue to wait and pray that my cervix and 13 weeks 3 days continues to support this growing life inside of me.

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Living with what is

 It's been a quiet weekend. I surrounded myself with people who were comfortable with what is and layed low. We're still waiting for the call from my doctor asking us to head to the hospital and have a stitch placed that will hopefully save this baby from being born too early.

The majority of friends and family simply don't understand. There seems to be this overwhelming belief that the cerclage is somehow guaranteed to bring us a full term baby. Although the statistics are in our favor we're both very much aware that cerclages although helpful in helping women with cervical incompetency are not a cure all fool proof treatment. We know that we're still at risk and at this point we need to be surrounded by people who are conscious of how scary this pregnancy is and understand that despite this "treatment" we wont be safe until this little one is alive and in our arms.

So, we wait - wait for the call to place a small stitch that will hopefully prevent my cervix from opening too early. We're in the best hands and know that our doctor is our number one advocate fighting for the best outcome with us.  We're counting down the days, minutes and hours until we know we've done everything we possibly can to give this tiny baby the chance that our girls never got.

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12 weeks

 6.1 cm of hope growing in my uterus

How many weeks are you? What fruit? 

12 weeks. Large plum.

 
How is PGAL brain treating you?

It's been a pretty quiet week PGAL wise. Surprisingly, I was able to hold it together for the NT scan on Thursday which felt great. It was the first appointment thus far that I hadn't worked myself up to the point of a panic attack. Now that we're heading into the 2nd trimester I feel the anxiety start to amplify again. My issues are related to cervical incompetency and pre-term labor and so I feel like now is the time where I need to be extra vigilant. PGAL worry is never ending I guess  and so I keep reminding myself that we need to take this pregnancy one day at a time.

Current PGAL fears? 

We had an excellent NT scan on Thursday. Baby is measuring in the 95th percentile and the nuchal fold measurement was excellent. Now, my fears have transformed into worries about the cerclage placement. We're at home waiting for the call to head to the hospital to be admitted. On Thursday, Dr. B said I'd have my stitch placed before Monday June 1st. Today is the 30th so I'm on pins and needles waiting for the call. 

PGAL goals this week?

To get a cerclage and to have a complication free stitch placement.

Appointments this week? 

I'm being hospitalized for 3 days to place the stitch.

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Tunnel Vision

I've somehow managed to avoid real life these last 8 weeks. The timing of this pregnancy came at the very tail end of my 3 month internship which meant that I had very little time to be pregnant and working at the same time. Before I knew it, I was withdrawing from my remaining graduate courses in anticipation of bed rest which further isolated me from the only world I've known for the last 2 years.

Without many academic or professional responsibilities, I find myself fixated on this pregnancy. Day after day I dwell on the gestation of this little one and literally watch the clock reset itself as I make my way closer and closer to the second trimester.

Pregnancy tunnel vision maybe?

I'm stuck in this pregnancy bubble all by myself and my anxiety has been growing exponentially.

Yesterday was a particularly bad day. I spent the majority of the day feeling like I couldn't catch my breath. I think ahead to the next week and I get so overwhelmed by how much more my life is going to change.

. in 6 days we'll have our NT scan.
. in 7 days I'll be hospitalized to get a cerclage that will hopefully prevent pre-term labor.
. in 11 days I'll return home to bed and rely completely on my husband and mother to take care of me.

Loss moms in the community I frequent have offered so many wonderful bed rest suggestions. I sit there and read their recommendations and I find myself getting even more overwhelmed. How many books can one person read? How much Netflix can this momma watch? How many activities can I actually do while laying flat?

Then, the sensible part of me acknowledges that this too shall pass; bed rest is not forever and that ultimately this is only a very temporary part of my life. Six months is truly not a significant part of my life if it means getting our rainbow here safely.

Anticipation is by far the worst feeling. Fearing the unknown and anticipating the worst is one of my biggest weaknesses. I'm trying desperately to take things as they come but some days I'm simply suffocated by our journey.

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10 weeks

We're 10 weeks. 10 weeks, how did that happen?

It feels like the race is on. Cerclage placement is in less than two weeks and I feel like I need to soak up every ounce of my freedom because after that my life will consist of strict bed rest.

I never thought we'd get here. After we lost the girls we met with a new team of doctors and set up this wonderful conservative plan for future pregnancies and then we had 2 more losses and we thought we'd never make it to this point again.

Today I am in awe of this little baby and so grateful for this chance to bring home our rainbow.

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Day by Day

At one point this winter, we'd both started to accept that this would never happen - that I'd never be able to get pregnant again and that we'd have to accept and live with the fact that we'd be a childless couple. Then, I got pregnant after nearly 3 years of heartbreak. 3 losses - 2 d&c's - a broken uterus - more surgery. It just happened and we couldn't be more grateful.

I've been holding off on creating a blog to document this journey because truly I was terrified it wouldn't work out. This pregnancy has been scary but as the days pass I become more confident in my desire to document every step - regardless of the outcome.

We're very much aware that with my cervical issues we are nowhere near safe and that ultimately we'll never be safe. But, I've got an incredible team of doctor treating me with the best care possible and we're grateful and hopeful that in the end we'll be fortunate enough to bring home our rainbow.
Today, I am 9w6days pregnant. There's one beautiful baby growing in my uterus. There's a strong heartbeat chugging away and the babe isn't shy to let his momma check in on him everyday.

In about 2 weeks my cerclage gets placed. After that, I'll be bed rested until the stitch is removed.
The countdown is on and some days I cannot believe we are here.

x.

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